


Alexithymia

by IsolaVirtuosa



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: M/M, horrible things in part 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 16:10:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3535730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsolaVirtuosa/pseuds/IsolaVirtuosa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heero has never been very good at expressing himself, but that's what he has Duo for.</p><p>Written for 1x2x1 Week 2014.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. During the War

            “This shit’s all coming to a head, huh?”

            I looked up as Duo floated into the barracks.  He looked tired.

            “Are they analyzing the data from Libra?” I asked brusquely.

            “Yeah,” Duo said, sitting down on my bed next to me.

            I glared at him, shifting the gun that I was cleaning closer to me.  Duo was always invading my personal space without permission.

            “Hilde’s gonna be fine, by the way,” Duo said.  “You know, after she risked her life to get that info on Libra for us.”

            “Hn.”

            “Oh, I forgot, the only person you care about is that Peacecraft chick,” Duo muttered, flexing his arms behind his head and leaning back against the wall.

            I ignored him and continued to clean my gun.

            “Do you like her?”

            I inspected a part of the barrel that wouldn’t quite come clean with my cloth.

            “I think she likes you.”

            I added some lubricant to my cloth, and the spot cleaned easily.

            “You two are always saying each other’s names so intensely and all.”

            I worked my brush inside of the gun.

            “I think I might be gay.”

            I paused.  “What are you going on about?”

            “I just… I mean this is it, you know?  The final battle and all that dramatic shit.  And I’m just sitting here, wondering if I’m gay.”

            “You should think about the mission.  Have you finished repairs on Deathscythe?”

            “Yeah, Heero, I’m all over it.  But if we’re gonna die, I’d like to die at least knowing if I’m gay or not.”

            “Why?”

            “I don’t know.  It just seems important.”

            “It’s not,” I told me, giving the gun a final wipe before I started reassembling it.

            “It’s not?”

            “Why does it matter if you like men or if you like women?  You could die either way.  You could live either way.”

            I caught Duo giving me a crooked smile out of the corner of my eye.

            “So you don’t care if I’m gay?” Duo asked.

            “It has nothing to do with your piloting ability.”

            “Yeah, but I think you have a hot ass.”

            “T-that has nothing to do with piloting ability either,” I said, so surprised by him that I stuttered the first word.  I focused on my gun, carefully checking the safety and reloading the clip.

            Duo laughed, clapping me on the back.

            The touch burned through me.  “I am cleaning my gun, moron,” I said, appalled by his lack of appropriate gun safety practices.

            “Do you think Relena has a hot ass?” Duo mused.

            “What?”

            “I mean, you like her, right?”

            “I don’t go around looking at people’s asses.”

            “You should.  We’ve got some good ones here on Peacemillion.”

            “You are ridiculous sometimes.”

            “Only sometimes?”

            “I stand corrected.”

            Duo was staring at me with his big blue eyes, and it made me very uncomfortable.

            “Is it weird?” he asked softly.

            “That you look at people’s asses?  Yes.”

            “No, that I look at yours.”

            “Do I not count as a person?”

            “I love Hilde, you know.  She’s one of the most important people in the world to me.  But I’m not like… you know, attracted to her.”

            I was probably looking at him like he was crazy.  Mostly because I thought he was crazy.

            “But is it because I think of her as a sister?  Or is it ’cause I’m gay?” Duo pushed on, staring at me pointedly.

            “Is there a reason you’re talking to me about this?  I’m sure Quatre would be more suitable for your emotional issues.”

            “Emotional issues?” Duo mouthed, shaking his head.  “Look, you’re the one I think I like, so you’re the one I’m talking to.”

            Duo was losing it under the pressure of the upcoming battle.  That was the only explanation for this ridiculous conversation.

            “I’m relieving you of duty,” I said.  “We’ll find someone else to pilot Deathscythe, and we’ll take you to the closest mental care facility.”

            Duo stared at me for a long moment, his mouth slightly open.  Then he crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me.  “I really must be crazy to think I like a dicktwat like you.”

            “Yes,” I agreed, nodding encouragingly.  Admission was the first step to recovery.

            Duo’s anger suddenly seemed to drain out of him, and he flopped down onto my bed.

            “Should I get Quatre?” I asked, shifting to my feet uncomfortably.  “Or a medic?”

            “I just wondered what it would be like,” Duo said quietly.  He sounded sad and tired and not at all like himself.

            “What _what_ would be like?” I asked against my better judgment.

            “I dunno,” Duo said.  “Being in love and all that shit.  Hugging someone.  Kissing them.  I didn’t want to die a 15-year-old kissing virgin.”

            “That’s stupid,” I told him.

            “Yeah,” he agreed.

            I sighed.  “Is this worry going to affect your piloting ability?”

            “No, sir,” Duo said, giving me a salute and a sarcastic smile.

            “Come here,” I said, feeling tired myself.

            “Huh?” Duo said, sitting up.

            “You need to focus on the battle.”

            “Yeah, yeah, I’m on it,” Duo said.  “I was just having a momentary pity party for the loss of my youth.”

            I studied him.

            “I’m fine, Heero, one hundred percent fit for duty,” Duo said, rising to his feet and spinning around, as though that would somehow reveal his fitness for duty.

            I grabbed the edge of his flight suit, pulling him closer.

           Duo’s eyes widened slightly, but he relaxed when he felt the lack of threat in my stance.  He studied my face, smiling.  “You really are good-looking for an asshole.”

            “You are a very strange boy.”

            “Can I touch your butt?”

            I glared at him.  His stupidity was making me not want to do what I knew I had to do.  But I had to go through with it for the sake of the war.  For the sake of humanity.  For the sake of the colonies and the earth.

            “Mission accepted,” I muttered, leaning forward and pressing my lips against Duo’s.

            I expected it to end promptly, the unpleasant task completed, and with its completion Duo would return to sanity.

            Instead, Duo wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me close to block off my route of escape as his lips moved softly against mine.

            It felt strangely pleasant.

            Duo pulled back with a quiet sigh.

            “That was excessive,” I informed him.

            “No, this is excessive,” he said, sliding a hand down and groping my butt.

            I jabbed my gun under his chin.

            Duo just laughed, letting go and floating up into the air.  “Oh my god, I’m gay, I’m so totally gay.”

            I eyed him strangely.

            “Thanks, Heero,” he said, touching his feet back to the ground.  “I feel better.”

            “At least one of us does.”

            “Why did you do it?”

            I looked into his eyes, which were sparkling now with a certain giddiness.  He looked… younger.  “I guess I didn’t want to die a 15-year-old kissing virgin, either.”

            Duo let out a full laugh that filled up the empty barracks.  “Just always keep being you, Heero,” he said, pushing off the ground and floating towards the door.  “Oh, hey,” he said, turning back around to face me.  “Heero, Relena Peacecraft’s on Libra.”

            “Relena?”

            “Yeah,” Duo said.  “Hilde said she met her there.”  He gave me a tight smile, then opened the door and floated out.

            I knew immediately that I had to go to Libra.  I had to confront Zechs.  I had to…

            I moved to the hangar, staring up at Zero.

            “Relena,” I murmured.  I had to go to her.

            I was focused on the mission, and yet my lips still tingled from Duo’s kiss.


	2. Our First

            “Remember our first kiss?” Duo asked with a grin, poking me in the arm.

            “Our first and only kiss?”

            “So you do remember!” Duo said, grinning triumphantly.

            I checked our flight trajectory again, then flipped on the autopilot and turned to Duo to give him the look that this ridiculous line of conversation deserved.

            “You were all swoony and gun pointy afterwards, too,” Duo said, unbuckling his safety harness and floating out into the cabin.

            “Who the hell was swoony?” I asked, unbuckling my own harness and following after him.

            “Christ, I’m thirsty,” Duo said, grabbing a drink ration from one of the cupboards.  “You want one?”

            “If anyone was swoony, you were swoony,” I said, holding my hand out for one.

            Duo passed me the drink with a smirk.  “You sure sound defensive, Heero.”

            “I wasn’t _swoony_ ,” I said.  “And why are you bringing up something that happened five years ago?”

           Duo took a long swallow of his drink.  “God, that feels good,” he said, looking satisfied.  “Anyway, I dunno.  You and me, back in space together.  Reminds me of Peacemillion.”

            “We’re on a two-person spacecraft heading to L1, and it reminds you of Peacemillion?”

            “It makes sense in my head,” Duo said, waving me off.  He finished off his drink and pushed the package through the garbage door.

            “I think you just spend a lot of time fantasizing about me,” I said.  “And my perfect ass.”

            Duo cracked up.

            I finished my own drink and threw away the package, my back to him.

            “Mm, yeah, there’s been a little fantasizing on my behalf,” Duo said.

            I looked at him over my shoulder, noting the way his eyes were glued to my behind.  I flexed for him.

            Duo sputtered out a laugh, covering his mouth probably more in an attempt to cover his blush than anything else.

            I grinned at him before sauntering back to the cockpit.

            I strapped back on my harness to hold me in the pilot’s chair, and I looked out into the vastness of space.  It felt good to be back.

            Duo and I had both joined the Preventers two years earlier, and this was our first time in space since we’d joined.  We’d been assigned to watch over the L1 sector of space for our first long-term mission.

            I heard the door open, and Duo shuffled back to his seat quietly.  I glanced over at him, studying his steady blue eyes that were fixed on the window.

            “Did you miss it, too?” I asked.

            Duo nodded, turning to me with a thoughtful look on his face.  “It’s where I was born, you know?  Space.  It’s where I belong.”

            I smiled at him, and he smiled back before turning to look out the window again.

            Duo was one of the few people in the world that I didn’t mind spending endless hours cramped in a space shuttle together with.  That’s probably why we’d ended up being partners.

            “So I was thinking,” Duo said after a long period of quiet.

            “Oh, god.”

            “Shut yer trap, Yuy.  This is serious.”

            I raised an eyebrow at him.

            “We should go on a date.”

            My eyebrow rose even higher.

            “What?  It’s a good idea.”

            “How is that possibly a good idea?”

            “You’re single, I’m single…”

            “I’m still not quite following your logic.”

            “I dunno, I was just thinking about that kiss, and it seemed like the next logical step.”

            “It was the next logical step five years ago…”

            “We were kids embroiled in a war, I wasn’t ready to date anyone then.”

            I snorted.  “Then how about two years ago when we started working together?”

            “We were still figuring out life.  Figuring out our places in the world.”

            “And now?”

            “Now we’re in a good place.  I think we’re ready.”

            “And you decided to ask this when we’ve still got a day of space travel ahead of us why?”

            “I figured you couldn’t avoid the question.”

            “What if I say no?”

            “That would make the rest of the trip really awkward, huh?”

            “Are you trying to blackmail me into going on a date with you?”

            “A little bit, yeah.”

            Duo was nervous, chewing on his bottom lip even as he tried to give me his usual carefree smile.

            “I wouldn’t mind, I guess,” I said.

            Duo looked surprised.  “Really?”

            “Yeah, sure.”

            “You don’t have to sound so enthusiastic about it.”

            “Where are you taking me on this date anyway?”

            “Er, I dunno.  Dinner?”

            “You’re paying.”

            “Cheap bastard.”

            “And you’re telling Une about this fraternization with a fellow employee.”

            “What?  Hell, no!”

            “This is your deranged idea.”

            “So going on a date with me is _deranged_?!”

            “Yes.”

            Duo let out a huff, blowing his bangs out of his eyes.

            “Duo.”

            He turned to face me, looking annoyed.

            “I’m strangely looking forward to it,” I informed him.

            Duo stared at me for a long while before his face cracked into a smile.  “Me, too.”

            “You want to catch some shut eye before we get to L1?  I’ll take first watch.”

            “Yeah, okay, wake me up in four.”

            I nodded, watching as Duo disappeared back into the cabin.

            Our first date.

            Why did something so inane make me smile so stupidly?


	3. In Any Universe

            “Hi, I brought pizza.”

            I stepped aside to let Duo into my apartment.

            “You got drinks and shit?” he asked, striding straight into the kitchen like he owned the place.

            “Yeah, in the refrigerator,” I said, following him.

            “You have filtered water,” he said, holding up the pitcher accusingly.

            “It’s a drink.”

            “A terrible one.”

            “It’s good for you.”

            “Ugh,” Duo said, pulling two plates down from the cupboard.  “You serve the damn water, then.”

            I shrugged, getting two glasses and filling them with water.

            “Coffee table,” Duo said, bringing the pizza and plates over to the couch.

            “Do you live here now?” I asked, following him with the glasses of water.

            “Is that an offer?” Duo asked with a grin.

            “No.”

            Duo made a face at me.

            “We should probably have sex before we move in together,” I said, putting each water on a coaster on the coffee table.

            Duo started choking.

            I turned on the news.

            “Was _that_ an offer?” Duo finally sputtered out.

            I shrugged.  “Give me some pizza.”

            Duo dutifully put a slice on my plate and handed it to me.  His hand was shaking.

            I didn’t take pity on him, and started to eat my pizza.  We’d been living on L1 for six months now, and dating for the same amount of time.  I didn’t understand why he got so awkward about normal, everyday things.

            “Heero.”

            I glanced at my partner.  “What?”

            Duo hesitated, then turned up the wattage in his smile.  “I had the weirdest dream last night.”

            I waited for him to continue.

            “I was wearing this really badass leather coat and kicking this guy’s ass.  And I’m winning, but all the sudden he gets me on my back and he’s trying to bite me, which is weird, you know?  And then I realized he’s a freaking vampire.  But it was okay, because I had a stake and I stabbed him in the heart and he exploded into dust.”

            I watched the news.

            “Then Wufei comes up to me, pushing his glasses up his nose and talking with like a fuckin’ British accent telling me that my technique needed some work.  And Trowa and Quatre are with him, all ‘ohmigod Duoooo are you okaaaay?’, and I guess they were my nerdy but sassy sidekicks.  Then you come in all broody and lurky in the shadows, and you’re my sexy vampire boyfriend-”

            “I thought you killed vampires?” I interrupted.  I hadn’t meant to contribute to the conversation, but the inconsistency was glaring.

            “Yes, but you were a good vampire.”

            “I thought I was broody and lurky?”

            “Yeah, so basically you were exactly the same in my dream as you are in reality.”

            “I am neither broody nor lurky.”

            “Ha.”

            “Have you been watching those stupid old American dramas again?”

            “They’re not stupid,” Duo protested, waving his pizza around in the air to make his point.

            “Mm hm.”

            “You know what, we’re going to watch it now,” Duo said, snatching the remote from the coffee table and opening up the demand options.

            “Wait, so there really is a show about a vampire killer with a broody, lurky vampire boyfriend?”

            “Heero, meet Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Duo cackled, selecting the first episode from the menu and hitting play.

            Several hours later, I was lying on the couch, on my side with my back pressed to Duo’s chest, staring at the television incredulously.

            “This gypsy curse is bullshit,” I said, gesturing towards the TV accusingly.

            “And why is that?” Duo asked, sounding amused.  He pressed a kiss to the back of my neck, seeming very contented.

            “Because those gypsies gave that vampire his soul back to punish him for the girl he killed,” I said.  “But once he had his soul, he wasn’t the same person anymore.  He wasn’t the person who killed that girl.  Yet he had to carry the guilt and the punishment for it.”

            “Are you empathizing with a character in a stupid American drama?” Duo asked, sounding more amused than he should have.

            “Y- no,” I said.  “What do I care?  Turn this damn show off.”

            “So you don’t want to watch the next episode?”

            “…no…”

            Several more hours later, I could barely keep my eyes open.  But we were almost to the season finale.  My eyelids felt heavy, and Duo’s hands were tracing soothing patterns up and down my arms, making me even drowsier.  Somehow the blonde heroine of the show started looking like Duo to me, and then I realized that she didn’t just look like him, she was him.

            “Hey,” Duo said, coming into the room.  He flipped on the light, then held up a sandwich in a plastic bag.  “I brought you some dinner.”

            “Thanks,” I said, accepting it even though I knew I couldn’t eat it.  It was all about pretenses now.  If I told Duo I didn’t eat food, he would be sure to ask why, and I didn’t quite think he’d like the answer.  “And thanks for letting me stay here.”

            “No problem,” Duo said with a shrug.  “How are your injuries?”

            “Better,” I said, keeping them hidden.  Vampires healed more quickly than humans.

            “So what did you do all day?” Duo asked, sitting on the edge of his bed.

            “I did some reading,” I said, leaning against the wall.

            “Oh,” Duo said, eyes drifting to the book sitting on his desk.  “Oh.  Oh.  Hey.  Wait a minute.”

            “No, Duo, I-”

            “Diaries are a private thing, Heero!” Duo cried, suddenly looking very flustered.

            “Okay, but-”

            “And people shouldn’t just go around reading other people’s diaries!  Because maybe they might be mistaken about what they are reading.  When I said that broodiness was sexy, I meant it in a, well in a scientific way.  Scientists have proven that broodiness is sexy, but it doesn’t have anything to do with- well, anyway, for that matter H doesn’t even stand for Heero, it stands for… H… Instructor H… you know, the mustache… it’s you know very captivating, and I-”

            “Duo, I didn’t read your goddamn diary.”

            “-love the way his fat jiggles when he… wait, you didn’t?”

            “Your mother left it on your desk after she came in to clean up,” I said.  “I hid in the closet when she came in.”

            “Oh, well, uh… cool…”

            “What kind of guy keeps a diary, anyway?”

            Duo looked like he was going to die from embarrassment.  “Who says I keep a diary?”

            I snorted.

            Duo bounced up to his feet, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at me.  “Maybe it’s time you went home, huh?  I think you’ve outstayed your welcome.”

            “Okay,” I said with a nod.

            Duo seemed annoyed.  “Really?  You stayed here all day, and now you’re just going to up and leave?”

            “You told me to leave?”

            “Like you ever do what I tell you!”

            “I think I better go…”

            “Yeah, I think so, too.”

            We both stood there in front of the window, neither one of us moving.

            “Heero,” Duo said, his tone softer.

            “Yes?” I said, feeling uncomfortable.  I wanted to leave, should have already left, yet somehow I couldn’t look away from those blue eyes.

            “Are you really okay?” he asked, reaching out to touch my chest lightly where I’d been stabbed by a gang of vampires.

            If my heart could beat, it would have sped up.  As it was, I thought I felt a sluggish thump thump echo through my chest.  “Yeah,” I said, putting my hand over his to remove it, yet for some reason just grasping it instead.

            “Good,” Duo said, still staring up at me.

            I thought about the night before, how we’d raced to escape the group of vampires, how Duo had invited me in and we had escaped to his room.  I thought about lying on his floor all night, watching him sleep.  Why had I done that?  Why was I staring at him now?  What was this force that compelled me towards him?

            We kissed.

            Duo’s mouth was hot against mine, and when his tongue pushed past my lips, I felt the darkness inside of me awaken.

            I immediately pulled back, facing away from Duo.

            “Heero?  What’s wrong?”

            I had to escape, I had to get out of there before he knew, before he finally knew my terrible secret.

            “Heero!” he said more insistently, pulling on my shoulder.

            Then he saw it, and I growled at him, trying to pull away.  My vampire face, twisted and ugly, was plain for him to see.

            “Holy shit!” Duo cried, punching me in the face.

            Blood started gushing from my nose.  “Ow…” I said, trying to stop the bloody mess with my hands.

            “You’re a fucking vampire!” he cried, punching me in the gut.

            “Duo, are you all right?” Duo’s mother called.

            “Yeah, ma, just yelling at the TV!” Duo called back.  Then he turned his glare on me.  “You motherfucker, I’m gonna stake you so hard.”

            “Like you could,” I said, raising an eyebrow at him.  I probably would have looked more threatening if my nose wasn’t still squirting out blood.

            “Wanna try me?” Duo challenged.  Then he seemed to deflate.  “Jesus, the only guy I’ve liked in a long time and he’s a fucking vampire…  What kind of vampire slayer falls in love with a vampire?”

            “A stupid one?” I suggested.

            Duo kicked me in the kneecap.

            I stumbled.  “Could you stop that and just listen to me?”

            “Why should I listen to a jerkface vampire?”

            “I’m not like other vampires.  I have a soul.”

            “I’m sure that’s what you tell all the boys.”

            “Forget it, you are not worth the trouble.”

            “Asshole.”

            “Idiot.”

            “Fucktard.”

            “I don’t even know what that is.”

            “Dickless.”

            “That’s not true.”

            “Then prove it.”

            I stared at him.

            Duo stared back, a challenging look on his face.

            Then somehow we were kissing again.  We tumbled onto the bed, Duo on top and seeming intent on exploring every inch of my mouth with his tongue.

            It was like a dream.

            “Heero.”

            I blinked.

            “Wake up, babe.”

            Duo’s chin was pressed into my shoulder, his body wrapped around mine from behind.

            “Huh?” I said.

            “We fell asleep on the couch,” Duo said, smiling and nuzzling my cheek.

            “Is that why my back hurts?” I murmured, stretching my body out.

            “Mm, come on, let’s move to the bed,” Duo said, nudging me forward.

            “What time is it?” I asked, squinting at the clock on the vid player.  “Shit.”  The square red numbers told me that it was after four.

            “Good thing we don’t have work tomorrow,” Duo said, shuffling behind me as we both made our way to my room.

            “Mm,” I agreed, pausing by the TV to turn the power off.

            “You sounded like you were having a sexy dream,” Duo said, pressing up behind me.

            “What did I say?” I asked warily.

            “I dunno, you were squirming around all sexily,” Duo said, licking the shell of my ear and making me shiver.  “What were you dreaming about?”

            “I don’t remember,” I said.

            Duo let go of me and we both walked into the bedroom, shedding our clothes.  “Do you want something to wear?” I asked.

            “My boxers are fine,” Duo said, pulling the comforter back and climbing into bed.

            Duo had never been in my bed before.

            I got in next to him, pulling the comforter back up.

            Duo’s breathing slowly evened out.

            I found I liked listening to it.

            Suddenly he snickered.  “I’m not like other vampires.  I have a soul!” he said, proceeding to crack up.

            “What are you going on about?”

            “Oh my god, you were so having a Buffy dream,” Duo said, still laughing.

            “You had a Buffy dream,” I pointed out, feeling strangely flustered.

            “Mine wasn’t so X-rated,” Duo said.

            “It wasn’t X-rated,” I said, turning to face him.

            “Sounded like some kind of action was going on with all that lip smacking,” Duo said, his white teeth glinting in the dark as he grinned at me.

            “I…” I started to protest.  “I am very ashamed.”

            Duo laughed, a richer, warmer laugh, and pulled me closer.

            I let myself be pulled, resting my cheek against his chest.

            “Maybe we can reenact some of those dream scenes,” Duo said, drawing a finger up my spine.

            “Are you suggesting that we roleplay?”

            “Yes.”

            “Go to sleep, Duo.”

            “Can’t.”

            “Why not?”

            “Because I’m finally in your bed and I don’t quite know what to do with myself.”

            “Sleep.”

            Duo sighed, his fingers still ghosting up and down my back.  “So no vampire-vampire slayer roleplay?”

            “No.”

            “But Heero, you are my sexy, broody, lurky vampire boyfriend.”

            “I’m going to kill you.”

            “That’s the spirit.”

            “Angel is a good vampire.  He has a soul.  He wouldn’t try to kill Buffy.”

            “Ha, shows what you know.  Wait until you get to season two.”

            “Duo,” I growled, pouncing on him and pinning him to the bed.

            “Yes?” Duo asked, smiling up at me.

            “Stop talking,” I whispered, kissing him intently.

            Duo did as he was told, kissing me back.

            The next morning, I examined the purpled bite mark on Duo’s neck.  “Do you have any turtlenecks?”

            “Heero, it’s summer…”

            “You used to wear that stupid clerics collar year round.”

            “Maybe I’ll bust that out at the office tomorrow.”

            “Good idea,” I said, kissing the bruise lightly.

            I could feel Duo smiling.

            “So, can we go for another round of vampire-vampire slayer naughty fun time?”

            “Don’t ever say that out loud again.  And yes.”

            Duo’s smile broadened, and we both lost ourselves in the newly discovered physical aspect of our relationship.


	4. Civilian Life

            “Why does it matter what color the damn drapes are?” I asked, feeling exhausted.

            “Because we have to look at them every damn day!” Duo shot back.  “You’re the one who wanted to spend five hours looking at sink fixtures!”

            “So did you.”

            “Yes, well… yes…”

            “So why can’t we go home now?”

            “Heh, you called it home.”

            “That’s what it is, isn’t it?”

            “Yeah,” Duo said, giving me a dopey grin.

            “You’re so… you,” I said dismissively.  I didn’t see why we needed to get sentimental about moving in together.  It was the natural progression of things after a year and a half of dating.  “Look, these are fine.”

            “They’re dark,” Duo said.

            “Yes?”

            “They’ll make the room look smaller.”

            “Okay, but it’s not like they have some kind of shrinking power to actually make the room smaller.”

            “Yeah, but don’t you want to come home to a big, open space?”

            “Not really, no.”

            “Well, they don’t match the walls anyway.”

            “When did you become Mr. Interior Decorator?”

            “Heero, this is our _house_.  We’re like, putting down roots and shit.”

            “We have work tomorrow, and we’ve been here all day.”

            “Look at it like a mission,” Duo said.  “You like missions, don’t you?”

            “…yes…”

            “Well your mission is to buy some nice curtains that match our walls before this store closes so we can go home and do whatever we want without the neighbors staring in our windows.”

            “Why would they be staring in our windows?”

            “I’m sorry, did you ever question J when he was giving you a mission?  Just get it done.”

            “Understood.”

            With renewed purpose, despite it being well past dinner time, I started looking through the swatches and samples.  It took an hour, but I felt a certain amount of accomplishment as we walked out of the store with new curtains.

            “Thanks, baby,” Duo said as he drove us home, taking one hand off of the steering wheel to squeeze mine, displaying his complete disregard for appropriate driving practices and our personal safety.

            “For what?” I asked, letting him lace our fingers together.

            “I dunno,” he said, but he was smiling.

            “Weirdo,” I murmured, watching the passing scenery out the window.

            Duo pulled into the driveway, then we both started unloading our purchases of the day into the house.

            “Let’s hang the curtains,” Duo said, merrily unpackaging our new curtains in a mass of plastic and cardboard in the middle of the living room.

            I started assembling the curtain rods, and between the two of us we had the curtains hung in no time.

            “Looks more like a home already,” Duo said, poking me in the gut.

            And somehow it did.

            “Welcome home,” I said, sliding an arm around his shoulder as we surveyed our handiwork together.

            “Welcome home,” he echoed, his contented smile saying everything that needed to be said.


	5. Preventer Mission

            “I’m just saying that there was still one piece of cake sitting on the table when I went to bed, and when I got up it was gone,” Duo said, gesturing towards me angrily.

            “And I’m just saying that when I went to bed there was a whole damn cake on the table, and when I got up it was gone,” I retorted.

            “Are you two seriously talking about cake right now?” Agent Wallace hissed incredulously.

            “I baked the damn thing, yet this one,” I said, pointing accusingly at Duo, “thought it was his for the eating.”

            “You bake?” Wallace asked, looking like her world had been turned upside down.

            “He wears a frilly apron when he does it, too,” Duo said.

            A snicker sounded through the radio, coming from Agent Bernhardt who was coordinating our operation from the space cruiser orbiting the abandoned colony we were currently sneaking around.

            “You bought it for me,” I said, staring at Duo.

            “It was a joke…”

            “It’s a perfectly functional apron,” I muttered.

            “It’s pink,” Duo whispered, and Wallace and Bernhardt started cracking up.

            “We’re on a mission here,” I put in, trying to get everyone back on track.

            “You’re the one taking your domestic disputes out into the field,” Bernhardt said between snickers, his voice crackling over the radio.

            “I was merely trying to point out that Duo’s recent weight gain might affect his work on this mission.”

            “I gained five pounds.  Jesus, send out the national guard,” Duo muttered, kicking me in the butt.

            I turned around to stare him down.  “Excuse me, agent?”

            “Nothing, sir,” Duo said, giving me a mock salute.

            “I thought so,” I said.  “Now let’s find these drug smugglers and go home.”

            “Yes, sir,” Wallace said, actually sounding sincere.  I could still intimidate her, unlike Duo.

            “Bernhardt, what’s our ETA to the lab?” I asked into the radio.

            “Uhhh,” said Bernhardt, sounding like he was trying to get back into work mode.  “Well, uh…  Hm.  Well you’re basically on top of it now.”

            “Okay, you’ve been a great help,” I said, because the Preventers handbook told me that as unit leader I was supposed to speak positively to my subordinates.  Duo told me I always sounded sarcastic when I said nice things.

            “That’s the entrance,” Duo murmured close to my ear, gesturing to what looked like an old subway stairwell.

            The mission was fairly straightforward.  We had staked out the decommissioned colony for months and tracked the movement of the drugs from there to the main L1 cluster.  We’d photographed sales, identified the ringleaders, and now it was just a matter of sweeping in and making the arrests.  The legwork had been tedious, so everyone was in a good mood because we were finally getting the payoff for all our man hours.

            “You head in first, Agent Maxwell,” I said, motioning for Wallace to follow Duo, while I took up the rear.

            We descended into the subway station, flickering light bulbs lighting the way despite the place being abandoned after the war.

            The soft hum of machinery met our ears, though there were no voices.  We had followed our targets, Salvador Molino and Ang Barker, to the colony earlier in the day, and watched them go into the lab.  We knew they were here, and we were ready with our warrants to take them in.

            We reached the ticket gate and Duo stopped, motioning for us to wait.  “Something feels off,” he murmured softly into the radio.

            I looked at him questioningly, Wallace shifting nervously between us.

            “Listen,” Duo murmured.  “Smell.”

            I breathed in.  It smelled like machines.  They must have been using the subway.  There was a hum in the air, like some kind of large machinery was running.  I thought it was for cooking meth, but the more I listened, the more I started to realize that it sounded familiar.

            Wallace just looked confused.  She wasn’t a pilot.

            “Is that…?” I started.

            “…a mobile suit,” Duo concluded.

            Wallace’s eyes were getting wider and wider.  “But… all mobile suits were decommissioned…”

            “What’s going on down there?” Bernhardt whispered urgently.  “A mobile suit?”

            Duo motioned like he was going to go and check, but I held up a hand to stop him.

            “You stay with Wallace,” I said, grasping my gun in front of me and inching forward.  “Bernhardt, radio in for backup.  And contact the commander.”

            I leapt carefully over the gate and eased to the ground silently.  The subway station stretched out in front of me, silent escalators and stairways leading down to the tunnels.  The familiar hum of mobile suits was coming from below.

            “I’m going down,” I whispered into the radio, stepping into the closest stairwell and making my way down silently.  “The main station area is clear, so make your way to the top of the stairs.”

            “Yes, sir,” Wallace said.

            “Save some action for us,” Duo murmured, his way of telling me to be careful.

            I continued down the stairs.  The smell of engine oil and thruster exhaust was so overpowering now that I didn’t know how I could possibly have not noticed it before.  The lab was clearly down here, and the closer I got to the bottom of the stairs, the more I could see.  The subway tunnel was the main drug manufacturing lab, with scientific equipment taking up the main platform.  That was to be expected.  The troubling part was the old Leo sitting on the train tracks.

            The machines for the lab were running, but I didn’t sense any people.  The Leo was active, implying a pilot was inside, but it didn’t react to my presence.

            I eased my way down the platform, greeted by a second Leo on the other side of the staircase.  “Molino and Barker are not here, but two mobile suits confirmed,” I murmured into my radio.

            “Where the hell do some two-bit drug runners get mobile suits?” Bernhardt growled into my ear.

            “We saw Barker and Molino go into the lab,” Duo said.  “This doesn’t smell right.”

            “Stay at the top of the stairs,” I said.  “I’m coming back and we’ll wait for backup.”

            “Roger that,” Duo said.

            I started back up the stairs when I heard the first shot fired.  The stairwell didn’t exactly offer a lot of cover, but I flattened my back against the wall to the best of my ability.

            More shots were fired, and Wallace started screaming.

            I was up the stairs as fast as I could take them.

            Wallace was lying on the ground, a small pool of blood forming around her leg.

            “Duo, where are you?” I called, surveying the scene to make sure there were no gunmen before running into the open and checking Wallace’s vitals.

            “Mother fucker,” she hissed, clutching at the bullet wound in her thigh.

            “What happened?” I asked, ripping off the bottom of my shirt and using it to wrap her leg.

            “They came up the escalator and started shooting,” Wallace said, gesturing across the station towards the escalator that went down into the same tunnel I’d just come out of.

            “They knew we were here,” I muttered.  “Duo?”

            “They took him,” Wallace said.

            “Which way?”

            “Back the way they came,” Wallace said.  “Goddamn, this hurts.”

            “Yes, but it’s not fatal,” I said.  I hoped that cheered her up.  “I’m going to get Duo.”

            “Backup is still about fifteen minutes out,” Bernhardt said.  “Are you guys okay?”

            “Maxwell, can you hear me?” I barked into the radio, but there was still no answer.  “Did they shoot him?”

            Wallace’s eyes were unfocused.

            I grasped her face, making her look at me.  “Did they shoot Duo?”

            “I… yeah, I think so,” she said, blinking slowly.

            “Don’t go into shock,” I told her.  “Was he hurt badly?”  My eyes following the thin trail of blood that led to the escalator.

            “I don’t know, he pushed me out of the way and then he went down, and then I went down and it all happened so fast-”

            “Okay, you have been very helpful,” I said.  “Can you stand?”

            “God, I don’t know.  Maybe?”

            “Bernhardt, fly down here for recovery,” I said, helping Wallace behind some cover provided by an old hot dog stand.  “Wait here while I get Duo.”

            Then I heard the unmistakable sound of a Leo moving, its footsteps shaking the entire station.

            “Fucking cock shit,” I muttered.

            Wallace laughed weakly.  “You sound like him.”

            “Just be quiet and stay here,” I said.  “There were two shooters?”  I’d heard two unfamiliar guns being fired.

            Wallace nodded.

            “Okay, I’m going.”

            “Shouldn’t we wait for backup?” Bernhardt asked.

            “No time,” I said, already on the move.

            “You can’t fight a mobile suit with a gun,” Wallace called after me weakly.

           “A Leo is barely a mobile suit,” I said, as I made my way down the escalator.  The stairs had stopped shaking, meaning the Leo had stopped moving.

            I eased an explosive from my belt.  They weren’t exactly Preventers standard issue, but Duo and I tended to be creative with our tools of the trade.  This would have been so much easier if they hadn’t taken Duo.

            Before I was even at the bottom of the escalator, I could see the Leo with its beam rifle aimed at me.

            “I suggest you stop right there,” came a voice from inside the Leo.

            “Where’s my partner?”

            “With me,” came a voice from the second Leo that was still out of sight.

            The Preventers motto was ‘no man left behind.’  “What are your terms?” I asked, ready to negotiate.

            “Our terms are that we’re leaving here,” the first Leo pilot said.  “And you’re not.”

            “I am Agent Heero Yuy with the Preventers,” I said, holding up my badge with my non-gun hand.  I had forgotten the all-important protocol of identifying myself before blowing the hell out of these motherfuckers.  “My partner is also a Preventers agent.  We came here with warrants for the arrests of Ang Black and Salvador Molino.  This is a sanctioned mission by the ESUN government, and any attempts to-”

            The Leo fired at me.

            I dove to the ground and rolled, avoiding the crumbling wall of the stairwell that started to rain onto the platform.  My explosives were ready to go, I just didn’t want Duo getting caught in the explosion.

            “Another team of Preventers is heading to this colony as we speak!” I yelled.  “Any further acts of vio-”

            The Leo fired at me again.

            I knew he was going to, and I was already diving into the train tracks.

            “Heero,” Duo’s voice cracked over the radio.

            “Maxwell,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.  “Status?”

            “Fucked,” Duo said, laughing hoarsely.  “Get out of here.”

            “No man left behind,” I said, tossing the homemade explosive at the first Leo and hoping really hard that the second Leo pilot had been telling the truth, that Duo was with him.  I lay flat on the track, pressed as close to the wall as I could.

            The fire roared over my head, then dissipated.

            “Shit!” the second Leo pilot yelled over his intercom.  “Barker, are you all right?”

            There was no answer, and suddenly the second Leo was taking off through the tunnel.

            “Fuck,” I growled, getting to my feet.  “Maxwell?”

            “Christ, Heero,” Duo said, letting out a wheezy laugh.  “You never change.”

            There were sounds of a scuffle, then silence from Duo.

            “Is Duo okay?” Wallace asked timidly.

            “No,” I said, watching the Leo disappear.  I glanced at the other Leo, which was a burning wreck.  Leos really were shit mobile suits, and Duo’s explosives could easily melt titanium.

            The rest of the mission was a blur.  The Leo escaped into space before backup came pouring in.  Bernhardt tried to follow it in his cruiser but couldn’t keep up.  Techs swarmed the scene, going over the subway tunnels with a fine-toothed comb.  They wanted to know where the mobile suits had come from.  There were no answers.

            Barker was dead.  The other pilot was assumed to be Molino.  Duo was missing.

            I lay in bed the next morning, trying to get some sleep after being awake for twenty four hours, but sleep wouldn’t come.

            I stared at the empty space next to me until it was dark.


	6. Homecoming

            “No.”

            I stared at Une.

            She stared back.

            I stared harder.

            She rolled her eyes.

            “You’re not taking part in the extraction,” she said with a note of finality.

            “I am your best agent.”

            “That’s rating yourself rather highly, Yuy.”

            “I am.”

            “Po and Chang are excellent agents.”

            “I’m better.”

            “They can handle this.”

            “I can handle it better.”

            “You’re too emotionally invested.”

            “I have been nothing but calm and professional.”

            “I know you, Yuy.  You’re too emotionally invested.”

            I glared at her.

            She rolled her eyes again.  “Get the fuck out of my office.”

            “Yes, ma’am,” I growled, turning around on my heel and leaving her office.

            _Too emotionally invested_.  Of course I was invested when my partner was being held hostage.  It didn’t mean that I couldn’t do my job.

            Meth manufacturer and general asshole Salvador Molino had been using Duo as a trump card for the last six months, threatening to kill him every time we got close to catching him.  He had gone underground after his Leo had been destroyed in a firefight two months ago, and we hadn’t heard a word from him since, but one of the Preventers’ undercover agents had gotten word that he was hiding out on L3.  Une was putting a team together to move in, and for some reason seemed to think I was unsuitable for the job.

            I went straight from her office to the spaceport, getting into my cruiser and taking off for L3.

            A call came in about ten minutes after I’d taken off.

            “Agent Yuy, you are not taking part in this mission,” Une said.

            “Of course not,” I agreed.

            “Then why are you flying to L3?”

            “I have to be there.  When they find him.”

            “Find who, Molino or Agent Maxwell?”

            “Both.”

            “And what are you going to do then?”

            “I don’t know,” I said.  I really didn’t.  This was one of those ‘follow your feelings’ kind of times.

            “Don’t interfere with my agents,” Une said.

            “I won’t.”

            “I’m putting you on unpaid leave.”

            “That’s fine.”

            Une hung up, and I continued on my way to L3.

            Sally Po met me at the spaceport.

            “You better stay out of our way, Yuy,” she said, ruffling my hair like I was a child.  She was one of the few people in the earth sphere who saw me that way.

            “You better bring Duo back to me,” I said.

            Sally nodded solemnly, before pulling me into a tight hug.  I wasn’t a hugger, but it felt good to be held.  I laid my head on her shoulder and let myself be coddled for a few moments.

            “Our informant says Duo’s definitely with him,” Sally said gently.  “He’s alive, and we’re going to get him out of there.”

            “I want to be the one to do it.”  
            “I know, sweetie, but you can’t.”

            “Why can’t I?”

            “Because you’re too worried about him to think clearly.”

            “Why does everyone keep questioning my judgment?” I asked, pulling away from her embrace.

            “Because all I have to do is look into your eyes and know that you’re not all right,” Sally said.

            “You barely know me,” I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.

            “You know that’s not true, Heero,” Sally said, shaking her head at me.  “Leave this to us.  We’re moving in tomorrow.”

            I went to my hotel and I started planning.  By nightfall, I was infiltrating Molino’s new drug headquarters.  Within the hour, I was shot, stabbed, and slightly exploded.  Within the next hour Molino was dead by strangulation.  I found myself being dragged away from the corpse by Wufei.

            He was saying something to me, but his words made no sense.

            Slowly I started to understand that Sally was with Duo.  She and Wufei had followed me into Molino’s headquarters.  They found Duo in the basement.

            I pushed Wufei off of me and raced down the stairs as fast as my bleeding body could take me.

            “Duo.”

            Duo’s eye stared at me blankly over Sally’s shoulder.

            Sally turned to look at me with a worried expression.

            I dropped to my knees beside him, and Sally moved out of the way.  I caught his face in my hands, staring at the empty right eye socket.  There were other wounds and scars.  There were chains and there were blades and there were needles, and all of it painted a clear picture of what the last six months had been like for my partner.

            I couldn’t stop staring into that empty eye socket.

            “I’m tired,” Duo finally said.

            I carried him out of the warehouse, and we were airlifted to L3 General Hospital.  They took Duo away from me there, and I was forced to stay in the waiting room.

            “He’ll be okay,” Sally said to me.

            I stared at her.

            “Physically,” she said, smiling at me grimly.  “All of those cuts and wounds and… his eye… they were all properly treated when they happened.”

            “Well isn’t that wonderful?” I said.

            “You want to get that bleeding looked at?” Sally asked, looking at the sleeve of my white shirt that was now stained red.

            “It’s fine,” I said.

            “Yuy!”

            The commander herself came clacking into the waiting room, towering over me in her heels.

            “Yes?” I said, eyeing her warily.

            “Consider yourself on indefinite unpaid leave.”

            I shrugged.  I didn’t really care about my job.

            “Christ, the lot of you are idiots,” she said.  “Sally, walk with me.”

            Sally glanced at me before following the commander, the two bowing their heads together and talking furtively.

            They wouldn’t let me go in to see Duo until the Preventers psychologist talked to him first.  Duo hated psychologists.

            “Fucking shrink,” he muttered as I stepped into the room.

            It was surreal to hear his voice.  “Hey,” I said softly.

            He looked up at me.  He was wearing an eye patch, yet he didn’t even make a pirate joke, he just stared at me evenly.

            I swallowed.  Why did it feel so awkward?  I came into the room, sitting in the chair pulled up to his bed.  “Duo…” I started, but I didn’t know how to finish.

            Duo looked at me like he was waiting for something.

            I wracked my brain for something to say.  “Are you all right?” I finally asked, and that had to be one of the stupider things I could have chosen to say.

            “Peachy fucking keen, Heero,” Duo said, crossing his arms over his chest.  There were so many new scars crisscrossing his arms.

            It made my vision blur and my stomach twist.  I looked away.

            “Do I disgust you that much?”

            “No,” I said, turning back to him.

            “Don’t force yourself,” Duo said, shrugging his shoulders and staring in front of him at the blank television.

            “Baby…” I said, a word that rarely left my mouth.

            Duo snorted.

            I sighed, grabbing his hand and prying it from the crook of his elbow.  I held it forcefully, leaning into his line of vision and staring into his one good eye.  “You know I’m not good at this kind of thing.”

            “That’s why I told you not to force yourself,” Duo said.  “Give me my hand back.”

            “No,” I said, pulling his hand to my chest and holding it there with both hands.

            “I think I just want to be alone right now,” Duo said.  “I’m not up to dealing with you and your issues.”

            “Who the fuck are you and where is Duo?” I spat out, dropping his hand.

            Duo laughed bitterly.  “I’m right here, Yuy.  New and improved.”

            “How did this happen?”

            “I got kidnapped by a sadistic sociopath drug kingpin,” Duo said matter-of-factly.  “He kept me drugged and carved me up like a fucking Thanksgiving turkey, and now I’m not in the mood to deal with my emotionally retarded partner when I’ve got my own shit to deal with.”

            “Okay,” I said, not really knowing what else to say.  I got up and left, parking myself back in a plastic chair outside of his room.

            “Heero, you should go back to your hotel,” Sally said, shaking my shoulder gently.  “Get some sleep.”

            I glanced up at her from where I had been staring at the hospital waiting room’s wall for hours.  Wufei was glued to her side, looking surly.

            “Duo,” I said simply, turning back to the wall.

            “Duo is getting checked into rehab,” Sally said.  “You won’t be able to see him for a week.”

            “He doesn’t want to see me anyway.”

            “Then why are you still sitting here?” Wufei asked impatiently.

            I shrugged.  I didn’t want to say something embarrassing out loud, like it was because I loved him.

            Wufei half-dragged me to his car and drove me to my hotel.

            Duo was checked into the rehab wing of the hospital for a week, dealing with withdrawal from the drugs Molino had kept constantly pumped into his system to keep him docile.  No visitors were allowed.

            I stayed in my hotel room, mostly just staring at the wall.  I’d never been so inactive in my entire life, but my body felt heavy, like getting up to do anything was the most painful thing in the world.

            After Duo had detoxed, he was allowed visitors again.

            Since he’d been dealing with withdrawal when I’d last seen him, I was hopeful that our next meeting would be a little less hostile.

            In fact, it was more hostile.

            “Why are you here?”

            “I came to see you?” I said, feeling confused.

            “Why?”

            “I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

            “It’s a pretty simple question.”

            “Duo…”

            “Can you just not be here?”

            I wanted to… what?  I didn’t know, but my eyes stung and it felt hard to breathe.

            I left.

            “Duo’s going through some things, but he needs you to be there for him,” Sally said, sitting next to me in the waiting room.

            “How can I be there for him when he keeps telling me to go away?”

            Sally patted my hand.  “Just be there for him.”

            So I visited Duo every day and was promptly told to get lost each time.

            After another week, Duo was discharged.

            I waited downstairs with Wufei while Sally helped Duo check out.

            I watched as Duo smiled up at Sally, telling her some kind of animated story while the nurse pushed his wheelchair out the front door.  He looked like my Duo, laughing and happy.  Then he saw me, and his face got stony again.

            Duo didn’t say anything as Wufei drove us to the spaceport.

            “Take care of yourself,” Sally told Duo, giving him a hug after he got out of the car.

            “You, too,” he said, smiling at her.

            “Duo,” Wufei said gruffly, giving him a handshake.

            Sally gave me a hug as well, and Wufei gave me a nod, and then Duo and I were walking into the spaceport silently together.

            Duo strapped himself into the co-pilot’s seat.

            I launched the ship, and soon we were heading back to L1.

            I didn’t know how to break the silence.

            Duo went back into the bunk in the cabin and spent the entire flight there.

            As we approached L1, I went to the cabin, ready to knock on the bunk’s door.

            A muffled sobbing sound was coming from inside.

            My gut twisted.

            “Duo?” I said, knocking loudly.

            I didn’t get an answer, but the crying stopped.

            “I’m going to start landing procedures,” I said.

            I waited for an answer, but I didn’t get one.  I went back to the cockpit, and Duo shuffled out shortly after me.

            We landed and both headed for the long-term parking lot on automatic pilot, getting into the car and driving home.  I stopped the car, and Duo immediately undid his seatbelt, pushing his door open.

            I caught his hand.  “Duo, please talk to me.”

            He turned to glare at me.  “Why, to make _you_ feel better?”

            “I…” I said, but I didn’t have any words to finish the sentence.

            Duo snatched his hand away and stomped over to the house.  He realized he didn’t have a key, crossing his arms over his chest angrily and glaring at the door like he could somehow open it with his anger.

            I walked up the porch steps and unlocked the door, stepping back to let Duo go in first.

            “Welcome home,” I said.

            Duo didn’t hear me.  He’d gone straight up the stairs, and I could hear the door to the guest room slamming shut before the words had even left my mouth.

            Duo was finally home.

            I sank to the floor in front of the open door, feeling more alone than when Duo had been missing.


	7. Always You

            “Duo, we need to talk.”

            Duo gave me an annoyed look, closing the refrigerator without taking anything out of it.

            “Money’s getting tight,” I said, holding up a stack of unpaid bills.

            “Then go beg Une for your job back,” Duo said dismissively, moving to head back to his room.

            “Duo.”

            Duo just flipped me off, continuing up the stairs.

            I followed him, irritated.  We’d been barely speaking for the last month since he’d come home, and it was exhausting.

            “This is serious,” I said, catching the door before he could slam it in my face.  “Do you want to lose the house?”

            “Who cares?” Duo said, climbing into his bed and turning his back to me.

            I remembered shopping for curtains when we’d first moved in, and how Duo had insisted they had to be just right.  He’d put so much care and attention into every detail of the house, saying that we were making a home together, a life together.

            “Are you done with me?” I asked, trying hard to keep my voice steady.

            “It seems like you’re done with me,” Duo answered.

            “I’m not… Christ, Duo, how can you say that?”

            “You’ve barely spoken to me since L3,” Duo said, still keeping his back to me.  “Look, I get it.  What you found in that warehouse wasn’t what you came looking for.  You don’t have to force yourself.”

            “Why do you say things like that?” I asked.  The pressure in my chest felt real and tangible.  “ _How_ can you say things like that?”

            “It’s the truth.”

            “It’s not.”

            “It is.”

            I wanted to grab him and shake him.  I wanted to punch him in the face.  I wanted to scream at him.  I wanted to hold him and kiss him and never let him go.  “You’re the one who’s not talking to me,” I said instead.  “You’re the one acting like you hate me ever since… L3.”

            “I don’t hate you, Heero,” Duo said tiredly.  “But maybe you’re not what I need.”

            “What does that mean?”

            “It means what I said.”

            “Are you done with me?  Are you just throwing the last eight years away?”

            “I’m not throwing anything away.  I’m just…  Things are different now.  I’m different now.  And I don’t know if we still work.”

            I realized that I was crying when warm liquid started trailing down my cheeks.  I wiped it away, confused.

            Duo turned around, looking equally confused.  “What are you…?”

            I wiped away another tear.

            “Are you… _crying_?” Duo asked, staring at me incredulously.

            “I think I might be.”

            “What the hell?”

            “I don’t know, it won’t stop,” I said, scrubbing at my eyes.  The warm liquid continued to well in my eyes, dripping down when enough had accumulated.

            Duo looked perplexed.  “Have you ever cried before in your entire life?”

            “Twice,” I said.

            “So this is number three?”

            “Seems that way?” I said, wiping my face with the sleeve of my shirt.

            Duo sat up, staring at me.  “Why are you crying?”

            “I don’t know,” I said.  “I just… it hurts.”

            “What hurts?”

            “Everything.”

            “Heero, I honestly didn’t think you’d care.”

            “About what?”

            “If we broke up.  I didn’t think you’d care.”

            “Are we breaking up?” I asked, finding it harder to breathe.  The tears started flowing more quickly.

            “Maybe,” Duo said, standing up and padding over to me.  “Jesus, this is like the eighth wonder of the world or some shit.”

            I stared at him through my tears.

            “This is kind of awkward,” Duo said.

            “Well I can’t stop it.”

            Duo reached out, running a finger along my lash line.  It came away wet.

            I pulled him into a hug, clinging to him.

            “Heero…” Duo said, but he didn’t make a move to push me away.

            An unfamiliar sound came from my throat.  I held him tighter.

            Duo’s arms wrapped around me, and I immediately felt better, sinking into the familiar warmth.

            “Don’t leave me,” I whispered, followed by another choking sound.  “Please, Duo, I love you so much.”

            Duo’s hold tightened.  “I’m not that Duo anymore.”

            “It doesn’t matter.”

            “It does.”

            “I love you,” I said again.  It was something I rarely said, but suddenly I wanted to say it over and over.

            “Maybe that’s not enough.”

            I lost it then, sobbing loudly into Duo’s chest.

            Duo sat us down on the bed, stroking my hair and making soothing noises.

            I felt patronized but strangely comforted, and slowly the choking sobs receded, leaving me a sniffling mess.

            “I can’t believe I made you cry,” Duo finally said with a snort.  “I’m like a god or something now.”

            “Shut up,” I growled, pulling away and pushing him in the chest.

            Duo grinned at me.

            I felt the corners of my mouth pulling up.

            It seemed like the start of something positive, but then Duo was frowning again.

            “What?” I asked, reaching out to cup his cheek.  The touch was familiar and comforting.

            Duo leaned into my hand, looking at me unhappily.  “I missed you.  This last month.”

            I kept my sudden surge of annoyance in check.  “Then why did you lock yourself in the guest room?”

            “You could have come in after me.”

            “You kept telling me to go away.”

            “Since when do you ever listen to me?”

            It seemed inappropriate to argue with my one-eyed partner, but old habits died hard.  “What the hell do you want from me?  You asked for space and I tried to give it to you, now you tell me you didn’t want me to actually give it to you?”

            “I’m sorry if I’m not being my normal happy-go-lucky fucking self after being taken hostage by a sadist delighted by my high threshold for pain,” Duo said, his own anger rising up.  “I don’t know what I want, okay?  And you being fucking you sometimes is too much to take.  If you had an ounce of fucking empathy in you…”

            We were standing centimeters apart, my hand still on his cheek, anger flashing in both our eyes.  “I looked for you for six goddamn months-”

            “Wallace said you came to work every goddamn day like nothing happened-”

            “I was trying to act professionally-”

            “Your fucking lover was a hostage, I think everyone would understand if you showed a little human emotion-”

            “You know I don’t know how to express myself-”

            “Like that’s an excuse-”

            “Am I supposed to change who I am as a person?”

            Duo stared at me for a moment.  “Not change.  Grow.”

            I wanted to cry again.  It was a strange feeling, and I pushed it away, keeping my eyes dry.

            “You’re doing it right now,” Duo accused.  “I see you shutting down.”

            “I’m not-” I started to say, but that was a lie.

            Duo turned his face and kissed my palm.  “Let’s just… I dunno, let’s start over.”

            “Start over from when?”

            “From L3.”

            I paused, then gathered him in a hug.  “I’m so glad you’re safe.”

           “I…” Duo trailed off, tightening his arms around me.  “I was scared,” he finally said softly.  “I’m still scared.  It’s fucking stupid.  I don’t even know what I’m scared of.”

            “I’m here,” I said, trying to say everything out loud that had been swirling around in my head the last few months.  “I love you and I’m here.”

            “He cut out my fucking eye, the crazy son of a bitch,” Duo whispered into my neck.  “Then he took care of me like I was a fucking prince, just to get me healthy enough to cut me up some more.  He kept the eye in a fucking jar, and he showed it to me to get his rocks off, like ha ha, here’s your eye.”

            “I’m sorry this happened to you, I’m sorry I left you behind in the subway, I’m sorry I didn’t find you, I’m sorry-”

            “There’s nothing you could have done…”

            “There should have been.”

            “You’re not superman.”

            “I’m supposed to be.”

            “You do a good impression.”

            “I’m not going to put on those red panties you bought me again.”

            “Damn,” Duo said, then burst out laughing.  “How did you know that’s what I was going to suggest?”

            “I know you.”

            Duo looked up and nudged my nose with his own, grinning.  “If you wanna make it up to me for failing me so horribly and being a terrible boyfriend…”

            “No.”

            “You have that blue spandex body suit, too, but I think just the panties would be nice.”

            “No.”

            “You’re not any fun.”

            “I know.”

            “So later?”

            “No.”

            “If I’m a really good boy?”

            “You’re never good.”

            Duo pressed his lips chastely to mine, a kiss that was almost over before it started.

            I was crying again.

            “Christ, once you start you can’t stop,” Duo marveled, wiping away a line of tears.

            “I don’t know why this is happening,” I said, and it was true.  It was uncomfortable and I wanted it to stop.

            “Come lay down with me,” Duo said.

            We both settled into the guest bed, me sniffling into Duo’s chest while he pet my head.

            “Baby,” he said softly, fingers moving through my hair.  “I don’t want to break up.  I just… for me, it seems like our relationship has been one-sided.  I pursued you, and you always just went along with it.”

            I wanted to protest, but I couldn’t think of anything to say.  I tried to stop my tears instead, sniffing loudly.

            “It’s true,” he said, poking me in the cheek before resuming his hair stroking.  “I came out to you.  I asked you out.  I asked you to move in together.  And you always said ‘sure’ or ‘okay’ or ‘whatever’, but you never seemed like it was what you wanted.  And when I asked you to get married…”

            I swallowed loudly, trying to make the lump in my throat disappear.  I remembered that day, Duo staring at me so earnestly while I just snorted and said we didn’t need to do something so useless.

            “I’m sorry,” I murmured, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

            “I know, baby,” Duo said, kissing the top of my head.  “It’s just who you are.  And to see you crying for me like this has kind of… I dunno, I like it.  Keep doing it.”

            I glared up at him and Duo laughed.

            “I need to know that you care sometimes,” Duo said, poking me in the nose.  “And… I dunno.  I feel like if I can’t smile and joke and be carefree and happy with you, that our whole relationship starts to crumble.  Ever since L3, I mean look at us.  I feel like it all comes back to me, and if I can’t force myself to be normal, then you don’t… I dunno like you can’t be bothered with me.”

            “That’s not true,” I said, shaking my head.  “I just… you kept telling me to go away, and I just… I wanted to do what you wanted.”

            “You never do what I want.”

            “Yes, well… yes, but after what you went through-” I started to say, then stopped.

            “I’m not so fragile, Heero,” he said, staring into my eyes.  “I’ve been tortured before.  I’ll probably be tortured again.”

            “Don’t say that,” I said shaking my head.  “And your eye…”

            “I thought you were disgusted by me in the hospital.”

            “Of course not.”

            “I’m fucking disfigured.”

            “I never cared about what you looked like.”

            “Gee, thanks.”

            “You’re still beautiful,” I said, frowning at him.

            Duo choked at the word ‘beautiful’.

            “I know I don’t say it, but of course I think you’re beautiful,” I said, caressing his cheek under his eye patch.

            “What guy is gonna be happy hearing that…?” Duo muttered, but I could tell he was a little bit happy.

            “I’ll try harder, okay?” I said.  “I’ll try and tell you all the stupid things I’m thinking in my head, even if they’re unnecessary and trivial.”

            “So saying you love me is unnecessary and trivial…?”

            “Yes,” I said.

            Duo snorted, but I could tell he was getting angry again.

            “It’s so obvious, that why should I have to say it?” I tried to explain.  “You’re… you’re so precious and important to me.  I was lost without you these last few months.  It’s like you’re the other half of me.  So why do I have to put it into words?”

            “Because I want to hear it,” Duo said, kissing my cheek.  “Don’t I tell you every day how much I love you?”

            I nodded, not pointing out that I hadn’t heard him say it in long time.

            “I love you, you stupid asshole,” Duo said, kissing me briefly before tucking his head under my chin.  “Look, we still have a lot of shit to talk out, but I’m exhausted and can you please just hold me?”

            I held him close, soothed by the familiar scent of his shampoo in my nose.  We both drifted to sleep even though it was the middle of the day.

            My eyes slid open sometime later, squinting into the red light that was filtering in through the window.

            Duo stirred, his good eye opening and staring into mine.  “Just like old times,” he said, his voice still fuzzy with sleep.

            I smiled at him, remembering all the mornings we would wake up at sunrise together and just stare into each others’ eyes, peaceful and contented.

            “Too bad it’s sunset and not sunrise,” I said, touching my nose to his.

            “And we’re in this tiny ass guest bed instead of our nice queen,” Duo said, leaning in closer to touch our foreheads together.

            “It doesn’t matter,” I said, still gazing into that one blue eye.  “As long as it’s you, I don’t care.”

            “Wow, cheesy,” Duo said, but he looked happy.

            “Always you,” I whispered, holding him closer.

            I loved Duo, and I was willing to fight to let him know it.


End file.
